9 Gift Ideas for Couples Facing Infertility or Waiting to Adopt

tagDecember is a challenging month for couples struggling with infertility. There’s tremendous pressure to put on a happy face, accept every party invitation, and spread holiday cheer. At the same time, the couple may be struggling with facing one more holiday season and the end of one more year without realizing their dream of having a child/becoming parents. The Decembers when we were hoping for a pregnancy and then, when we were waiting to be matched to our first child by our adoption agency, were quietly painful for us. So, if you know someone who is waiting to become parents through conception, surrogacy, or adoption, here are nine gift ideas for these couples.

  1. Massage gift certificates. When you’re waiting to become a parent (regardless of the route you’re taking), the wait is stressful. I carried the stress in my shoulders and neck. Whenever I had the chance to get a massage, I did it because the massage helped me reset and refresh mentally and physically. This is a great gift for men and women experiencing infertility.
  2. Passes to a grown-up venue or activity. When you’re struggling to conceive, sometimes you just want to go someplace where you won’t be bombarded by hoards of adorable children and harried parents. So, give them passes to an art or history museum, a comedy club, or a tasting at a local winery.
  3. Cash. Whether the couple is financing fertility treatments, surrogacy, or an adoption, chances are good that cold hard cash would be a welcome gift to help them on their journey to parenthood.
  4. Lessons. This is an especially great gift when you know the couple well. Art classes, guitar lessons, and time with a sky diving instructor give the couple the chance to develop a new hobby or embark on a new adventure. This is a great gift because it helps them focus on a new and exciting activity.
  5. Restaurant gift certificates. If the couple’s gearing up for expensive procedures or a foreign adoption, they may be avoiding expensive meals in restaurants. That’s one reason this can be a really meaningful gift.
  6. A book. For the person experiencing infertility, a good book can be a fantastic gift. Choose a non-fiction book on a topic they enjoy or consider a novel such as INCONCEIVABLE! that reflects the various facets of infertility: the craziness, heartbreak, and hope of re-imaging your dream of having children. As someone recently told me about my novel: it’s one thing to hear people say, ‘You’re not alone.’ It’s another thing to read a story about a couple who’s experiencing the same things you are.
  7. A journal and pen set. There are so many emotions, thoughts, and hopes to process when you’re struggling to conceive and writing is a great way to do it. Receiving a journal and pen set as a gift may be just the encouragement your friend or family member needs to start getting words on paper.
  8. A romantic getaway. One of the most challenging aspects of infertility is dealing with its impact on the romantic aspects of your relationship. Giving a gift certificate for one or two nights at a nearby bed and breakfast can be a beautiful way to help your loved ones refresh their relationship.
  9. Food-a-month club. Send fruit, Chicago delicacies, or other treats to your loved ones through the mail. Let’s face it. There are days when you’ve had another negative pregnancy test or you’ve found out about another delay in your adoption. Frankly, you just don’t want to leave the house. This is one of those gifts that can be a wonderful comfort to a couple going through infertility.

What gifts do you recommend for a couple going through infertility? What gifts should people avoid giving?

Top image via Flickr by mac9416

Merry Christmas image via Flickr by Calsidyrose

Make it Count

I once interviewed a World War II veteran when I was working for a radio station in the Midwest. His brick house was tucked away on a cul de sac in a neighborhood of older homes. He showed me inside, and we stood in the front room. It was neat and plain with white walls and decades-old furniture that wasn’t worn. He introduced me to his wife and then invited me to sit on his front porch where we did the interview.

I held the mic and listened as he recalled with laughter and a few tears the days he spent as an American soldier in the Pacific Theater of the war. He recalled the pranks he and his buddies used to pull. Then, he told me how a can of meat saved his life. He and his unit came under particularly intense attack, and some guys didn’t make it. When he was clear and the fighting stopped, he dug into his backpack for food. He found the can of potted meat, misshapen from being pierced by a bullet, which was still lodged in the metal can. He laughed through tears as he marveled at how a can of food had saved his life.

At the end of our interview, I asked if he had any wisdom he’d learned from his war experience that he wanted to share. This is what he said: “You only pass this way once. Make it count.” On this Thanksgiving Day, let us all remember that it’s not about passively counting our blessings or the things for which we’re thankful. It’s about being the blessing for someone else. You won’t have this exact same day or experience or gathering of friends and family ever again. There are no do overs, and life is finite. Now go, and make it count.

Vacation and Infertility: A Trip Back in Time

Earlier today, Patrick and I arrived in Miami without our three kids. We’re here to celebrate his 40th birthday in a place we’ve long enjoyed visiting. In fact, our very first trip here happened not long after we started trying to get pregnant.

A Time for Hope

On that first trip, we laid in bed one night watching a movie. I turned to Patrick and said, “I can’t wait until we have kids we can bring here. Can’t you imagine all of us lying on the bed after a day at the beach and watching a movie?” The rest of the trip, I thought about what it would be like to have our children with us. My visions included angelic, well-behaved toddlers who giggled and let me dress them in perfect outfits.

A Time for Longing

My spirit was much less optimistic when we came to Miami the following year for vacation. We were newly diagnosed with infertility. I had two negative pregnancy tests while we were here. I didn’t have the emotional energy to imagine bringing our children to the beach because all I could think about was how to bring our children into the world. Longing mixed with hope and bubbled in my heart every time I saw a family with kids.

imageSomeone once said infertility is like missing someone you’ve never met. I think that’s a good analogy. I didn’t know my child’s face or name, but I felt keenly my child’s absence.

A Time to Heal and Reflect

Now that we have three marvelous children through adoption, my time in Miami is about reconnecting with my husband and searching for treats to bring back to the kids. (We wouldn’t dream of coming home empty handed!)

But as we walked the familiar streets this afternoon and I saw many kids running and playing with their parents, a ghost of that old despair and longing nudged its way into my heart: I missed my children. But today, I savored the fact that now I know the shapes of their eyes, the silly nicknames I’ve given them, and the sounds of their excited voices. I know the curves of little lips that, when we return home, will welcome us with kisses.

In what ways has infertility Changed the way you feel about certain places you visit?